Sunday, October 6, 2013

spinning beach balls, beaches, or no beaches

Feels like my mind space is all taken up these days.  You know how when your Mac has got a lot going on and the beach ball keeps going and going and you're waiting and waiting for a result (I think it's an hour glass on a PC)?  I'm stuck in that beach ball spinning phase.  My mind can't settle.  
I want to be like those ladies that can be happy without stuff... with streamlined wardrobes and zero waste.  
But then I put on the new impulse buy t-shirt that I picked up on the way home from the park today and it feels so soft and I love that I supported a local business.  And, besides, finding the latest and greatest is fun. 
I saw a similiar quilt on-line and loved it and showed it to my mother in law.  And she made this.  And I love it.  I love stuff.  Love it.  

I want to have a house that has no clutter.
But I love to collect things.  And let's face it, I have kids.  Four of them.  That's officially a lot.  I have a lot of kids.  

I want to be in my hometown where my parents and sister and besties from long ago live.  Where it is fall and the air is crisp and shopping and lot's of restaurants and I don't have to do things by myself unless I want to.  
But then want to be here in Kauai with the oceans, rainbows, warm air and aloha.  And I shouldn't be shopping anyway. 

Looking through my photos and Makoa got a whole lot of doting on when we were on the mainland.   It makes me happy and sad to look at these.  And this isn't even all of them.  Just the ones I still had on my phone at the time.  
I want to be skinny.  Super skinny.  
But I love food.  I love loving food.  I take pictures of food almost as much as I take pictures of my kids.  My family loves food.  We love the whole food experience.  We own a food store.  Also, exercise=work in my book and these days my workload is overflowing.  So, um, no thanks.    

I want to be everywhere and not miss out on anything.  
But then I just want to lay in bed and watch Makoa sleep.  Seriously, I wish that was my only job.  Lately, if I am that close to a pillow, that means that I am also asleep.  Okay, not just lately, I have always been a little bit on the sleep loving side.  
Even with the actual baby asleep just 5 feet away from me, looking at these pictures of Makoa sleeping makes me swoon.  

I want to go to the beach and enjoy the sun and the beauty and let my kids play. 
But getting there is a chore and clean up is a pain especially with two babies, one who wears super tight compression gloves and shorts.  And staying home is easiest.  
I feel young and teachable and inexperienced.
But then I feel old and confused.  Especially when I can't figure out how to organize my bajillion photos on my computer and I even take a class and it seems to make sense when the nice hipster Mac lady explains it all but when I get home I'm confused again. 

I want to settle down and choose a forever home to grow old in.  I want to have routine and predictability.
But then I want to live in 5 different places in 4 different countries at once and I get antsy easily and I have never been good at sticking to a routine.   
I went to Utah and was unprepared for the brisk fall weather.  I ended up borrowing some of my mom's boots for the last couple of days.

 I'm kind of like Maximus in this picture here.  He is pretending to sleep.  Then he pretends to eat.  Eating and sleeping at the same time.  Awesome, right?  Wouldn't it be great to be able to do all the things we want to do at once?  Or be like Maximus and aaaalways know exactly what we want?  

 I guess I need to be grateful that there are so many goods to choose from.  There isn't much that is clearly horrible that I am dodging.  I'm spending my mind time sorting out the good, better, and bests and giving myself pep talks to strive for the bests.  And that's good.  Hehe.  I am trying to convince myself to like this spinning beach ball feeling.  But I'm not doing such a great job. Spinning beach balls drain batteries.  

And I thought by typing this out, maybe I would come to some happy conclusion that would solve all this conflict in my mind.  But... no.  

And maybe it's not so much decisions that I don't like as it is the consequences of making decisions.  And maybe the pressure feels even greater because I have four babies to think about now.  

Baby number four (to think about)...
 Hooray for so many options.  Boo for option paralysis.  But maybe at this time of just having had a baby (how long can I use this excuse?) it is good to not make any choices.  Maybe it's good enough to just... be?

photo cred: Jamie :)
 Anyone else feel like me?  If you don't, please tell my your secret to settling your mind.  Thanks.  


kto1s said...

I hear you! I never knew how much Elder Oaks "Good, Better, Best" talk would echo in my ears through the years, and more so now at this mid-point of motherhood (and maybe even life-did I really just type that?!?). Maybe I don't fully comprehend the idea of having it all--just not all at the same time. I like the idea of leaving so many doors open, but eventually, I need to choose to walk through some and fully take responsibility. I keep envisioning a picture in my head of a LOOOOOONG hallway with a million open doors, and not ever fully appreciating or experiencing any of the rooms that are on the other side of those thresholds...

Maybe it's conference weekend and I'm reflecting and trying to figure out how to recommit to what really matters to me in my life. Like you, I may have more unanswered thoughts, but as we wrestle with those desires and yearnings, we will--in their right time--let those "best" choices sink into our hearts.

Carry on Momma! You are your children's world, and you are doing a fantastic job! Look at those faces!!

Melissa and Lance Atkins said...

This is why you guys are our one of our absolute favorite families. All those reasons. And you guys are one of the reasons we must get back to Kauai.

Melissa and Lance Atkins said...

This is why you guys are our one of our absolute favorite families. All those reasons. And you guys are one of the reasons we must get back to Kauai.


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