Wednesday, April 8, 2009

my woes, posted

See this girl?  See how happy she is? I love her so much.  I want her to be happy forever.  And if she isn't happy, I don't want it to be because of me.
The end of the day comes and I there are a thousand things I wish I wouldn't have said or done. It is how I am these days.  Most of them have to do with her.  I am so sad about it.
I have heard it over and over that boys are easier to raise than girls.  And as I was watching Samuel jump down an entire flight of stairs, spread toothpaste all over the bathroom, cut Eva's bedskirt, all within about 10 minutes, I just couldn't fathom that idea.  But now.  Now, I think I am starting to understand.
If she doesn't want to, her eyes start to narrow, her brows furrow, her feet start to do that thing that they do... Just the thought is starting to make me feel anxious.  And I just know I am making things worse.  I am pretty sure the more I freak out, the slower she moves, the more she dreams (probably of having a mom that is not telling her to hurry every other minute).
I couldn't sleep the other night because I was so worried about it.  I should have pulled out one of my 20 plus parenting books that I have bought, borrowed, or checked out.  Because those put me to sleep before I finish the introduction.  
That same night I cried about it. Just cried and cried.  I don't want to mess up.  It is not like I get a re-do or anything like that.  This is her self-esteem, her self-worth, her life we are talking about.
She is so sweet.  I want her to stay that way.  I want to to stay sweet, and move faster.  In rushing her, I am messing up her free spirit.  I get mad at her and still she loves me so much.   
I used to be a teacher.  I taught kids in Moscow, Ghuangzhou (China), Logan, Austin, Chicago... I worked with so many kids.  Put together the stress that I had for ALL these kids and it is nothing compared to this.  
I love being a mom.  I really really love it.  But when I signed up for this, I had no idea.
I told Karl, "I don't know what I am doing.  I should have been the fun uncle."
While I am at it, here are some other things that I am differently-abled at (among many other mommy credentials that I am sure I am missing):
cleaning my house- or anything for that matter
making decisions
going to bed- really, it is a skill I don' t have
remember facts- I can only remember if food, fashion, or feelings are involved
finishing- I love to start and start and start...

There.  One big giant negative post.  I have purged enough negativeness for now.  The next post with be all superty duperty positive.  Or about China :).

8 comments:

Michelle said...

Why are we both up in the middle of the night? Christina, you are a great mom and just the fact that you are worrying about doing it "right" makes it apparent that you are doing it "right." They were sent to you for a reason---because you are the best for them.

Nikki said...

I agree with Michelle. You are a great mom! It is hard being a mom and we all worry about getting it right. I am sure you are doing most things right!

Abbigail said...

I understand that post. I think being a Mom to a moody girl is super hard. Although Samuel's adventures seem to add up too. I worry about parenting and wonder what the heck I am doing all the time. I don't know how on earth to take care of my child especially when she hits and screams.
I am always impressed with your patience, I doubt you hurry her that much. Plus if she is like Kitty she takes FOREVER to do anything. I am always feeling more rushed then she is. Kitty thinks she has all the time in the world to do everything and I guess she really does.
You are a rock star Mom. Kids are hard I think, if anyone says otherwise they have easy kids or are lying. That is the decision I have come to. ;)

Adri said...

You are a great mom. You guys are always doing these little trips and building great memories. It really isn't that bad, outside looking in. She just does things different then you. I have to agree girls are hard and they get even harder the older, more emotional they get. Hang in there... your an awesome mommy!

Kris Tina said...

You really are an amazing mom. I know this because you have these concerns - and you think about your actions and how you can help.

five-one-and-a-half said...

I hope that today is a better mommy day for you :) I love that picture of Ava. So sweet! And Ava is very lucky to have a mom that wants the best for her and wants her to be happy. You're awesome!

five-one-and-a-half said...

Sorry - I meant Eva :)

mmm.chocolate said...

I think I speak for all moms when I say, "None of us had any idea when we signed up for this!" But, along with the challenges, the joys are beyond imagination as well. I struggle with the mother-daughter relationship and the "free-spirit" thing too. I'm so glad I have a daughter, because I want us to be BFF's. But, I can already see that strained conflict of moms and daughters manifesting itself. It's hard. And, I was just thinking about writing a post about my struggle to let Sophie be herself and not crush her individuality weighed against my need to not let her wear brown and pink polka dot shorts with a hunting orange shirt and Christmas socks to school. She is also one to take her time and I just hate sending her out the door to school with tear stained cheeks after I've rushed her for the 1,000th time that morning. I think we all do the best we can, and, you can post about letting your kids watch too much T.V. or being an inadequate mom all you want, but, I will still think you are a supermom.

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