baby maximus: changes

Karl's mom sent us this little collage of photos that I we have posted on FB.  Happy times.  Easter Maximus, Sumo Maximus, Running from the Waves Like a Baby Model in Euro Swimmie Maximus.  

Now he is Hospital Maximus, Burn Maximus, Ripped Out His IV with His Feet Skills Maximus, Feeding Tube Maximus, Hugs the Giant Cheetah Stuck in Hippo Body Maximus, Muffin Hand Teddy Bear Paw Maximus, Skin Grafts and Dressing Changes Maximus.  

Today is his last day of Oahu Maximus and tomorrow morning he will be Intermountain Burn Center in Utah Maximus.  Finally Gets to See Eva and Samuel Maximus.

It was a hard decision to leave the aloha, generosity, and caring of Hawaii and make the transfer to the love, support, and familiarity of family in Utah.  Leaving one good place for another.  

Wish us luck on the transfer.  I would need luck if Maximus was healthy :/.  

baby maximus: so grateful

Today I walked through the hospital and realized that I was starting to know my way around. That is something no one really wants to know.  Unless they work there, I guess.  No one wants to really get used to a hospital, do they?

My friend teases me that I am a math wiz.  I'll admit it, I do know my arithmetic.  When I was little I remember liking math because there was always a definite answer.  I want that with this situation.  But the way the body works, we don't get a definite answer.  We have to see what happens and the doctors try and fix it.  The story keeps changing.  Someone will say that Maximus needs to be here a few days, then they put him under, take a look and realize it will be at least a couple of weeks.  And after that, it will be months of follow up and therapy. And I live on one island, we are on another island, and the rest of my family is on the mainland.  And we have two other kids, and airline tickets, and insurance, and a house, and a job to worry about.  It's getting complicated.

Right after this happened my friend called me and asked what she can do.  I knew I needed help.  So much so that I needed help knowing how I needed help.  And listen to this.  I got help.  They did everything.  

I just found out that my house is spotless.  I just said spotless and my house in the same sentence.  It makes me want to cry.  It means that someone else did it.  It means that lots of someone elses went into my house and scrubbed.  Not only that but my friend, who also has three little ones, knew that I would be horrified at the mess and she actually went in and precleaned all the embarrassing stuff.  

My friend is watching Eva and Samuel.  Not only that, knowing how much work it is to take in two extra kids, people are making dinners for her while she watches my kids.  Not only that, she walked through my house and packed all the things I didn't bring because I didn't realize I would be here so long.  Then she dropped it off at another friend's house so she could bring it to us in Oahu.  And as I type all the things that people have done for us, I realize that I can't even list all the things that people have done for us because I don't even know the extent of it.  I know that so many people have offered to help.  I am just so grateful.  So sososososo grateful. Seriously.  If you are reading, thank you.  Thank you for making such a crappy situation into one that makes me feel so grateful.

Here is our latest family photo.  We got to do facetime with Eva and Samuel.  And as Karl's grandma (who has an iphone and know how to use it) said, "We are grateful for these computerized gadgets that help you keep us posted."  You should have seen Maximus light up when he saw Eva and Samuel on the screen.  When he first saw Eva, he whimpered and then cheered up.  When he first saw Samuel, he started blowing kisses and yelling, "Go!"  It was so sweet.  I am feeling so grateful for all my kids and that they are healthy and happy and most of all that they love each other.

Our friends told us that Maximus' little pancake was in the fire.  He dropped his little pancake and was reaching in to get it.  If that isn't the saddest image ever, we realized this morning that Maximus has tiny little blisters on his tongue.  And it evoked even heartbreaking images of him crying and getting burned.  But then I am grateful that his face didn't get burned any worse.  It is hard to bandage a face, and eyes are so sensitive and vital.  So grateful.

Last night was his first night off of morphine on onto Toradol.  The couple of hours before his next dose, he would be writhing in pain.  You never want to see your kid writhing in pain.  And Maximus has hardly ever been the kind of kid to make unreasonable requests, but this was something I couldn't fix.  It broke my heart.  But then, in the morning, things got better and he finally got some rest and cheered up.  So then I was even more grateful for the times that he wasn't in pain.

The day after we got here, the adrenaline wore off and Karl and I had huge headaches, it hurst so bad I felt nauseous.  It was almost unbearable.  But here's the thing, it went away after a nap.  And now, I am grateful that I can be healthy while I try and help Maximus heal.  No really, I was walking back from getting dinner thinking to myself, "I am so glad that my head doesn't hurt right now."  

Here is Maximus in his rendition of Itsy Bitsy Spider, with his muffin hands and all.

Every once in a while Karl will look at my texts and remind me there are people that I haven't responded to.  There are phone calls and e-mails and messages, too.  I am received everyone of them and am so grateful for everyone.  Please know that I am grateful.  In a time like this when we need so much help, I am so grateful that people are so good to us. 

Thank you.

baby maximus: making the best of it

The hospital here has a little program where patients can sign up to have a therapy dog come visit.  His name is tucker, he is a golden retriever.  He cheers people up and calms them.  And as the nurse was explaining this to us, it made me realize why people love Baby Maximus so much.  He cheers people up and calms them.  He is a therapy baby.  

In the hospital he is as sweet as always.  Even though he has big lobster club paw things for hands and can't walk around because of the IV.  

From his awesome bed head from tossing and turning all night...

... to his chubby little feet that have been poked and prodded more than he ever would have wanted...

he is a peaceful baby even when he is in such a yucky situation.  You can see his right eyelashes are singed just a tiny bit.

Here is the update in Karl's words:

Max just finished a procedure in the OR to remove debris, clean and dress his wounds, and assess the damage a little more in depth now that the burns have had a chance to "declare" themselves more and the swelling has come down.

Took about 45 minutes.  He is still sleeping, but it seems like it went fine.  They put some gloves on him that will decrease the frequency of the dressing changes to once every three or four days instead of twice a day, which will be nice for max.

The doctor confirmed that he does have third degree burns, in particular to his right arm and side of hand and to his left palm and fingers.  That means they'll need to remove the dead tissue and graft new skin from his thigh or buttocks.  They will mean some scarring and physical therapy, but the doctor seemed confident that he will have full functionality.

They will wait a few more days for the burns to demarkate themselves a bit more, so they only do as much as necessary.

Doctor Cho is pediatric plastic handsurgeon who will be doing the surgery, so we are grateful for the expertise.

We are grateful he is alive and here to bless our lives.  We are grateful only his eyelashes were singed and that his eyes are fine.  We are grateful his mouth and nose only suffered blistering and that his cheek and chin will be fine.

We are grateful the log he fell onto was not burning and that the serious burns were limited to his arms and hands.  We are grateful we get to enjoy our son.  we are grateful to know how many people love max and are pulling for him.

Here he is coming out of anesthesia:

Maximus has new bandages.  He now only has teddy bear hands to work with.  But you would be amazed at how what he can still do:

He still sings, too:

 It is unbelievable how kind people are.  On Kauai, here on Oahu, and on the mainland.  We wouldn't be able to take stay here and take care of Maximus if there weren't people taking care of literally everything else.  And all of your kind words and prayers and offers, thank you so much.  I am grateful more and feel sucky less. 

He seems to be rolling with it.  And we are doing our best to follow his example and trying to make the best of it.  

baby maximus: trauma

Last week there was an eclipse.  I read an article that said you have to wear special glasses to view the eclipse.  It said if you look at the sun with your bare eyes it can burn a permanent image onto the back of your eyes.

I have a permanent image burned onto the back of my eyes.  It's the one of Maximus high centered on a log.  His hands in the hot ashes, crying as he is trying to push himself up.  

And when I close my eyes that image is the first thing that shows up.  

And then I add one more thing to the list of 

the should haves,

the could haves, 

and, the dang it, I wish I would haves.

I have thought of every possible one.  And I have thought of every impossible one, too. 

And let's not forget the never agains.  

Little promises I make myself to make sure that we will ever have to go through this again.

They keep running through my head. 

The camping trip started out as usual.  Me freaking out over getting everything packed, us rushing out the door three hours later than we planned. Getting there, setting up, playing in the water, making dinner, and then my favorite part, sitting around the campfire talking story with friends.  We cover all kinds of topics around those campfires. We got on the topic of taking our kids into the emergency room. I said, "Knock on wood, but I never have."  

The next morning the fire was still going.  Not too many flames.  Mostly hot ashes and few little flames.  Hot hot ashes.  Karl was on the other side cooking breakfast and I was herding the kids.  My friend, Melissa, gasped, "Oh no!" I turned to her and saw that she was running toward the fire.  I looked and saw that image.  The image.  I screamed.  And here's the thing.  No one really remembers who pulled him out.  Karl doesn't even remember how he ended up in his arms.  I remember trying to open a jug of water, but not being able to get it open and then someone taking it from me.  

I calmly ran to the car and got it ready.  I collapsed the pack-n-play that was in the back, put the seats in place, installed the car seat, went and found my bag and the sippy cup, asked Melissa to take my kids, told my kids to go with Aunty Melissa, and then found the car keys.  I remember thinking, I shouldn't be this calm.  But I was. 

In the mean time, someone had brought Karl a big jug of ice water and they had immersed his arms into the water.  Karl ran to the car with baby and giant jug in hand and hopped in the back seat.  He asked our friend, Will, to give Maximus a blessing.  I started driving at what must have felt like a snails pace to Karl because after about 10 seconds we were switching places and he sped out of there.  We were so lucky that they had grated the road.  What could have taken a hour, took about 20 minutes. I was afraid of two things at that point, how badly Maximus was burned and dying of a heart attack because of Karl's fast driving.

We found the hospital okay but couldn't find the emergency room.  A sweet couple was watching us frantically drive around the parking lot.  And they must have noticed how their directions were not computing in our over-occupied minds because they just motioned for us to follow them and led us to the emergency room.  We never would have found it without them.

I kept thinking about how bad it hurt when I was little and I was making peanut butter cookies and I burned my finger on the oven.  Just a tiny spot.  But I remember the pain being almost unbearable for days.  

And here was my baby, with his left hand and his right arms so badly burned.  

I hated not knowing how to calm him.  I almost always know how to calm him.  But in this case, there was nothing I could do.

They took him in right away, gave him some fentanyl,  dressed the wounds, and he seemed to calmed down.  Until they taped a monitor onto his toe.  He freaked out about that.  We thought it was kind of funny considering his arms and all.

The surgeon came in decided that he needed to be sent to Oahu.  

So I drove home, and sobbed, and packed a bag with stuff to get us through the nest couple of days.  

At this point, I was afraid to tell anyone.  I was afraid to do anything because I just felt so incredibly stupid.  I texted my friends that were calling and told them that I was afraid to talk because I was afraid that stupid was going to ooze out if I started talking.  While I was calmly panicking, they were orchestrating a whole schedule of taking care of Eva and Samuel, packing up all of our camping crap, informing people to go the hospital to give Maximus another blessing, getting us food to take to Oahu, and even contacting friends in Oahu to let us know that we would be there in crappy crappy circumstances.

The life flight rescue hero people came and started loading us up.  I kept seeing dollar signs and then I would feel guilty that I was even thinking about such a thing.  This was a someone's life.  Not just someone.  It was Baby Maximus.  

In Oahu, the plastic surgeon and the pediatric surgeon took a look.  His left hand has severe second degree burns and maybe some third.  They will see if starts healing and will get an idea just by watching.  His right arm was burnt with his fore arm being the most severe.  And I guess the charred, blistery stuff that looks the worst, is not the worst.  It is the white stuff that is the worst.  The side of his chin and a tiny spot on his chest were also burnt.  But nothing compared to his hands.  He also has little blisters on his lip, nostril, and his right eye lashes are singed.  When I thing about what could have happpened...

He has to keep his arms elevated to reduce swelling and he has an IV in his foot.  I hate IVs.  When I was giving birth to Eva I really remember, of all things, the IV hurting so bad.  I hated it.

It's hard to believe this was our life just two days ago.  Playing at the beach, jumping in the waves, digging happily in the sand.  It feels like a lifetime ago.

I love him because he is mine.  But I know so many of you love him, too. We have had an outpouring of love, prayers, help, and concern for Baby Maximus.  Thank you.  I will keep you updated here.  

I am so grateful that he is okay and that this will get better. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you.  

our food: bread salad recipe

Samuel had a homework assignment the other day where he had to ask me a bunch of questions about myself.  One of the questions asked what my favorite food was.  I wanted to answer, "Whatever food I didn't have to make myself."  That would have take up too much space on the little line provided so I told him something else.  But, really, I love it when people make food for me.  It's the way to my heart :).

So the first time I had panzanella, my friend made it for me.  So, I loved it.  And just to make sure that it wasn't just the good-because-someone-made-it-for-me spice, I made some for myself.  Still good. 

We have to store our bread in the fridge here or it gets moldy super duper fast.  After it has been in the fridge, it doesn't taste so great unless we toast it or heat it.  We had a leftover loaf of rosemary bread from the Costco two pack in our fridge.  

Panzenella, Italian bread salad, to the rescue.  I am not an Italian food expert.  And I am sure this is not authentic, just like my bean salsa is not actually salsa.  

Karl and Samuel set the table it looked so pretty.  Love the way that Samuel is lining up the sauces.  My friend let me have tomatoes and basil from her garden and that made this extra special.  She grew them in a Topsy Turvy and that makes is extra extra extra special.  I love As Seen on Tv stuff. Nerd alert, I know.

Panzanella

1 loaf crusty bread, cubed

3 T. olive oil

1 c diced tomatoes or cherry or grape tomatoes halved

1 english or Japanese cucumber, cubed 

1/4 c basil, cut into thin strips

1/2 t. salt

1/4 c capers

1/4 c grated parmesan cheese

2 T. balsamic vinegar

Mix the tomatoes, cucumber, basil, salt, capers, and balsamic vinegar in a bowl.  Heat olive oil in a large frying pan.  Add bread.  Lightly brown one side and then turn over and brown other side.  Add more oil if needed.  I had to to this in two batches.  Toss with tomato mixture.

I added garbanzo beans and a can of tuna for more protein and a can of olives to make it a heavier main dish.  I also set the bread out separately because one of my kids has anti-soggy food issues and this is an easy solution. Fresh mozzarella cubes, bell peppers, or onions would also be good.

I love the crunchy, salty, chewy of this dish. I served it with artichokes and it turned out to be a great meal.  And I thought of my friend that first made it for me several times while making it.  Yet another reason why I love food that other people make for me. 

our kauai life: may day 2012

The morning starts out lovely.  Then a giant cloud rolls in.  Samuel notices the giant cloud.  

Most people seem to know that this would happen.  We do live in Kauai, after all.  They pull out their umbrellas, the kids head back to their classrooms, and the rest of us just run for cover.  Nice people let me squeeze into the dug out with them.  They don't like seeing a drenched baby.  Not me.  Maximus.  Hehe.  

As soon as the rain lets up a little, the show continues.

Maximus loves this guy.  Uncle Mike.  Uncle Mike show Maximus how to do knuckles.  And that means for the next ten minutes, Uncle Mike has to do do knuckles.  Double knuckles, even. 

Eva's class...

Samuel, gets ready to dance.  Once upon a time, Samuel would dance.  Then he turned about four and quit.  These days we have to bribe him to dance.  It was so fun to see him dance without any bribery at all.  I guess if his entire grade will do it, he will too.  

Here is the video of his dance.  His discomfort is so charming to me.  He ripped off his bottom two buttons on his shirt when he tried to cover his head from the rain.  He seems rip buttons off his shirts a lot.

Here is Eva getting ready to dance.  This is pretty much her thing.  Her grade used poi, the ball things that you spin around.  They had to wear white, black, or red.

Here is the video.  I apologize for my video skills. 

After the performance, sporting fruit snack leis.

Eva and her besties.  Her other bestie was the princess for her grade and wasn't around for a photo opp.  Eva has made some really good friends this year.  It's super cute.  

It is so fun to be a part of something that is unique to Hawaii.  Another May Day means that we have been here over a year.  I still feel like a visitor.  Maybe that will change.  In the mean time... this is a great day to be a visitor.

senile

You hear people say it all the time.  Kids know more about technology than we do.  

There is that time in their lives when we know more than they do.  

And mine is over. 

We were sitting in the car and I was trying to charge my iphone that was completely dead.  

Me to the kids: What does is mean when you can see the little lightning symbol?

Kids: That means it's charging.

Me: So how come there is sometimes a little picture of the fork thing in the battery?

Kids:  That means you are using it and it's charging. 

or something like that.  You see, when they started talking technology, my brain started turning off.  

And at that very moment I realized I just got old.

My computer is making me feel old.

I don't understand where all my files are going when I upload my stuff.  I fill it up the hard drive all that time and then have to move stuff onto an external hard drive and then delete it so I have space to work with new photos.  And I know there has to be a good system out there but for now, my computer is the equivalent of the desk of that one kid in every class that has stuff falling out as old papers and broken art supplies are filling it up.  

I feel like I'm confessing. I have an unorganized computer and I don't know how to manage it. I used to think that I was at least above average but now I am starting to question.    

There is a plus side.  Sometimes I find little gems like these two videos.  And it's so much more exciting to feel lucky to find these where ever they are than a boring organized system where I know exactly where they are.  Actually, it gives me anxiety.  But I did seize the moment and watch a bunch of video clips of Eva and Samuel's younger years and I loved every second of it.  

Here is Eva when she is almost 4.  So stinkin' positive. I totally remember when Samuel was in the phase where he carried those two toy screwdrivers everywhere.

And Samuel.  He has always loved vegetables.  Oh gosh, and I have always loved him.  I don't know how I even caught this moment on video.  It is so Samuel.

I hope I can find these videos again someday.  And when I do it will be another mini video Christmas.  Hooray!  At least I will be able to find them on my blog, right?

my day

Mother's day.  

I don't want to be all brag face.  But I do want to show that I am grateful.

I captured a few moments of the weekend that really made it special:

Heartfelt crafts from Eva and Samuel...

And Baby Maximus is too young for crafts but this made me happier than anything...

(lately he's been asking for several books to sleep with.  He hugs them all, blows kisses, sends us on our way, and falls asleep).

I also got a gigantic nap.  Oh man, I looooooove gigantic naps.

Karl ordered flowers from our dear friend's flower shop and I love them.  And I also got a bucket of Mele Macs.  I love buckets of Mele Macs.  And this is extra nice of him because I am not even his mom.

I also didn't have to make dinner.  I asked for that, because I love it when I don't have to make dinner.  

And the kids made my chair and my head all special for the occasion.

These kids.  Yep, I'm their mom. 

 And as I look through my phone photos and reminisce about mother's day, I find most of the photos like this one:

Though this day was special, these photos are pretty special, too.  They show my life.  My real life.  I went to college.  And I guess one of the things I learned is how to be around disgusting thing.  You know, college boys.  Haha, "Eva, you need to go to college and learn to be around disgusting things so that you can be prepared to be a mom."  What if?

And, that, is very very special.  It's disgusting, I know.  Ew, right? Ew. But I can totally accept that part of being a mom is accepting the disgusting parts.  Heartfelt parts, restful parts, lovely parts, tasty parts... if anything, the disgusting parts make me appreciate the non disgusting parts even more. 

.

bean salsa

This recipe makes a ton.  Like, grab the biggest bowl you have, ton.  So, every time I make it, I share.  And every time I share, someone wants the recipe.  And every time someone wants the recipe, I can't remember where I put it.  So, now, hopefully, I can remember that I posted it here.  Hopefully.  And truth is, I am not very good at following recipes.  I am always trying to make it healthier, or substitute when I don't have all the ingredients, or add more of my favorite ingredients.  But this is a forgiving recipe.  I can do all kinds of crazy substitutions and it turns out for me every time.  Nice, huh?

Bean salsa

1 can Rotel (or store brand diced tomatoes with green chilis)
1 can black eyed peas
1 can black beans
1 can hominy
1 green pepper, diced
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 med tomatoes, diced
1/2 bunch cilantro, chopped
1 packet Italian dressing mix made as instructed
Mix

Add just before serving:

1 avocado, diced

Lately I have been replacing the Italian dressing with:

1/3 c. vinegar

1/3 c. olive oil

1 T. oregano

1 T. Goya Adobo

Because I always have those on hand and I live far from the store, now.  I have also been cooking the black eyed peas and black beans from dry beans.  I like to complicate things.

Serve with chips, wrap it up in tortilla for a burrito, or even eat it with a fork as a salad.

weepy

Today is one of those days when I want to curl up with my fuzzy blanket and just watch Korean dramas (my latest addiction.  I can't expect anyone besides a fellow addict to understand what I am talking about.  There are two kinds of people.  Those that are addicted to Korean dramas and those that have never watched them.  I am not recommending them to anyone that has stuff that they ever need to get done.  Ever.  No thanks to Hulu Plus I have 100+ awesome hours of people living fake dramatic understated Asian lives all queued up).  

It seems like I can only control so much in my life.  And the things that I can't control are making me feel a little weepy.  

This is my nine year old.  Nine.  Nine means she is old enough to say things like, "I'm just sayin'" and, "I don't really want to talk about it right now."  Nine means that she isn't this three year old anymore.  I miss that three year old.  A little serious on her first day of preschool.  She has always been on the serious side.  I miss her tiny self so much that it kinda makes me weepy today.

 Okay, and this kid.  The one in popping front of his sister in her dress ups.  Look at that smile.  That mischievous smile?  No one told him to smile.  He just used to be so smiley.  Today, he has made me weepy in my heart and for reals.  Had to visit the principal's office again.  Twice in one day.  Twice.  Or how about the part where the kid that probably physically needs recess the most, has to miss it because he makes work time his own personal recess.  He is such a good boy and we took him out of a school where the teachers loved him so much.  And now he is in a school where the exact same things that endeared him to his teachers before are driving his teachers crazy.  And it's kinda driving me crazy.  Huh?  What?  I can't hear anything over my fuzzy blanket calling my name.  Must. Focus...

My dear friend shared this video that shows in statistics that schools are not really made for boys.  I don't think Samuel needs more video games, but I do see her point.  I know I can't make excuses for my kid but... haha, but... I am having a hard time distinguishing between trying to change his behavior (which I don't seem to be doing a very good job at) and feeling like I am crushing his soul (which is what I seem to be doing the most of).  Somehow we are supposed to teach Samuel how NOT to get his work done like his parents.  Maybe if they let him get his work done while riding a scooter (uh, like his dad does.  For reals), or at midnight (uh, like his mom does.  For reals) he will get it done faster.

Oh man, look at this little kid.  

This kid is making me feel weepy, too.

 I put him down to sleep and asks for a book to hold and then he blows kisses to say goodnight.  Most of the time we put him down, he seriously blows kisses as we walk out the door.  It melts my heart every time.  Is this kid for real? 

He walks around melting lots of people's hearts.  He just has that quality.  And look, he is growing up.  I just boxed up his baby clothes.  Most of them we borrowed from my sweet sister in law and her new baby boy is going to need them.  The whole process felt like kind of a ceremony.  It means he is getting older.  These tiny clothes had so many memories in them. That this phase is over.  And then I get weepy.  And then I get even more weepy that I will also be sending this boy to school one day, too. 

Not all my weepies are sad ones, today. 

Some of them are grateful, happy ones. But most of them are worried ones that come with walking on such unfamiliar ground.  I don't really know how to raise these little-ish ones.  I have my past experience, books, the Google, role models, instinct, even a college degree on how to teach these kids. But most of the time, I don't know what I am doing.  How can I control things that I don't know about?  They ought to make a Korean drama about this.  I would totally watch all 100 hours of it.  And totally weep while I do :).